Slow Mo…

21

August 5, 2010

I can’t tell you how much I love all your responses to my posts and how much they inspire me! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My last seizure at the beginning of the week really hit my left arm and hand, so my typical 35 words-per-minute skills are in the dumper; I don’t know how you hunt-and-peckers don’t go mad!! So now I’m on two anti-seizure meds along with the new chemo, causing lots of shakiness in my left hand, and the expected fatigue…

Saying all this to let you know posts will be shorter and/or less frequent until I get my coordination and some speed back, which they sat will take some time but is likely.

Please pray for quick recovery of this mode of communication I love!

Thanks

Categories: Uncategorized.

God’s Purpose or Mine? ~Oswald Chambers

20

August 2, 2010

From “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers

This is manna from heaven for me today – I’ll comment after the whole passage.

“We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

Wow…here’s how that’s working in my life right now. The brain tumor is growing, things look disheartening, and the new chemo is kicking my butt.  It took me four days to finish this post.

The passage in John 9: 1-3 , where the disciples ask Jesus who sinned – the blind man or his parents – that he was born blind, has me thinking about how I sometimes still fall into that “stinkin thinkin” of guilt or trying to figure out why, why, why, which pulls me away from “paying attention to the present time…that God’s purpose is for this very minute…” I’m sure Jesus’ answer surprised them because he laid no blame.

This morning started out rough. Early, early, early I was trying to make myself a cup of coffee (Brett was still asleep) and ended up with scalding water and coffee grounds splashing on my hand. Brett bounds out of bed and sees me sitting there in the wheelchair with hot coffee grounds everywhere. After seeing/saying “Are you OK?”  he starts cleaning it up. I’m getting in a huff because I think he should be able to read my mind (I’ve always expected that of him…and the problem is?)  All I want for my willful foolishness is an “Oh, poor baby!”

I am slowly recognizing that I keep attempting things I know I should ask for help with, and of course the people I love have to clean up after my accidents and stubborn mistakes. I’m sooo struggling with letting others help me with…it feels like…EVERYTHING. I don’t like it. Often I hear myself sounding like a toddler – “I can do it MYSELF!!”

Well, no, I can’t do it myself. Not Melita coffee from a wheelchair, not life without a center that isn’t me, but Christ alone. So why can’t I remember that when I’m in His will the day always goes better for me? Maybe because I don’t always recognize that place. That’s why friends like YOU and Oswald Chambers are so important – to help me remember or to give me a new, Godly perspective.

So now I have a scalded hand to remind me for at least a few days, how dependent I am on God for EVERYTHING and on my husband, friends and family for day-to-day stuff I still don’t want to give up. Maybe next time I won’t have to get into hot water to figure it out.

Blessings on ya.

Categories: Spiritality and Health, Thoughts on Faith.

New York, Lake Erie and relatives – what a combo!

6

July 26, 2010

A good combo? You betcha!! Time with my sister Shauna and her kids was great – we always pick right up mid-sentence. Both girls, Sarah-Jane and Jillian are packing up for college. SJ is going to Anderson in South Carolina and Jilly will be about an hour from us at Cedarville University. Can’t say I’m not thrilled about that! Shauna will be driving a loop to drop them off and stay with me about mid-August. Yay! So we surprised SJ at her birthday/going away party. A family friend and one of SJ’s dance teachers brought music and called square dancing  (there was also clogging, line dancing and other styles going on!) and Ginny took the bull by the horns…or the chair by the handles and I got to square dance! What a hoot!!

I am the luckiest girl ever. How many people can say they are truly thrilled and enjoy every moment of a vacation with their mother-in-law and her husband? Brett and I were invited up to Marblehead at Lake Erie to spend a few days with Dana and Hugh. Despite some rather exciting rain storms and tornado “watches” in the area, we had a really fun, relaxing time. Brett actually had to leave us early for an event he was in charge of, so my in-laws got to roll me around (in the wheel chair you know – they weren’t kicking me along like an empty soda pop can…) to shops, restaurants, parks and other local attractions.  We found lots of touristy stuff, delicious fudge (about 30 different flavors) and the quirkiest little Cuban food place. The owner/chef is an Elvis impersonator and does concerts at his restaurant. We’re determined to make another trip up there for the Jerk Shrimp and some “Love Me Tender.”

We’ll find out about starting the new chemo regimen today (Monday morning) so the last two mini-vacations were a really nice break. But August is shaping up beautifully too; Patty, my best friend from high school, will be here in about a week and then my sister and her kids will be here after that. Rachel and Alex come over from Pittsburgh whenever they can and that’s always a treat. I love how family and friends are here and entertain or simply nurture me. It’s so amazing the love we get from all of you. Thank you just doesn’t seem adequate, even though you say it is.

I just adore the fruit and vegetable stands that dot the country roads in Ohio, and Dana and Hugh are all about stopping along the way. We got some local peaches, watermelon, and well… the veggie (or some say fruit) advertised on my all-time favorite sign I’ve seen in Ohio so far. Here it is. If you can read the fine print, in the background you can see that after you get your toematos, you can hop right over to the “J&R Gospel Gift Shop”! How perfect is that?!

Categories: Family.

Out of the clinical trial – changing it up

25

July 21, 2010

Doesn't that look refreshing?!

Cutting to the chase – there’s “slight growth” of the tumor so I’m out of the clinical trial and on to a new strategy. We are being aggressive as ever – my Oncologist has a cocktail (I’d like a Mojito, please…OK…without the rum…) of 3 chemo drugs he wants to put me on starting early next week, as soon as my blood work is stable (and it’s looking pretty good – totally normal white count with a slight dip in the hemoglobin).

I’m feeling good – still no pain whatsoever; just fatigue and the left leg thing. I actually feel like I’m not crazy (hey, watch it now!!) because now I know it was a slow growth of the tumor that was making my leg funky and it wasn’t just in my head… wait a minute… it IS just in my head. Oh, this is confusing …

Anyway – what our Oncologist says is that for the last few months when my symptoms have shown slow deterioration of my leg function, yet the MRIs have not shown any changes, the tumor’s “tentacles” have been actively creeping along. Also, while the mass of the tumor was not growing significantly, the growth that was happening was probably masked by the Avastin.

We’re still kicking butt, and doing all we can to fight this. Remember that underneath and in front of and behind and all around it is the FACT that none of this is a surprise to God, He still loves us all with a passionate abandonment and will never leave or forsake us. I’m still in the palm of His hand, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

So, rant and rave at Him if you want to about this new development – He’s good for it and knows anyway – just open up the psalms and you’ll see. I’m good for it too (not the ranting and raving necessarily – save that for God. Just send me a message or give me a call and love on me or make me laugh.) God has truly prepared my heart all along the way, as He has Brett’s. We are traveling the road of healing – through medicine, prayer, essential oils, good food, laughter, and above all love.

Starting tomorrow we are spending 3 days up on Lake Erie with Dana and Hugh – looking forward to a beautiful, relaxing time. Then Rachel and Alex and are coming over first thing next week for a visit – laughs, projects, gluten-free pizza (it’s good – really!) and other  gourmet delights!

Categories: Family, My Health Status.

Taking a little vacation!

14

July 15, 2010

I’ve had a serendipitous opportunity to spend some time in New York with my brother Mark, his wife Ginny and the kids, and then on to my sister Shauna’s place with Jeff, Jeffrey and the girls. Ginny and Brett were the road warriors – with a rendezvous in Cleveland for the hand-off. The four youngest Gibneys came along for the ride – intent on getting a “Steak & Shake” fix (there aren’t any in NY:))

What a great break for Brett! The Tour de Cause fundraising bike ride is this weekend and as one of the organizers, he’s swamped with last minute details. So, now the “Pat Factor” is out of the equation – a relief! I can say it, because he’s too nice to. Besides, in a future cranky mood, I hate to admit I might throw a comment like that back in his face… It’s a nice time for both of us I think, and absense really does make the heart grow fonder; I can feel it after just 24 hours.

The Gibneys are on 8 beautiful acres just outside Rochester with a pond, ducks, chickens and plans for a barn and horses if Austin and Ginny have their way. These kids – Austin, Matthew, Addie and Molly are wonderful – engaging, kindhearted and just plain fun. I don’t know how they’re faking that Aunt Pat is interesting to be around. Then again, maybe it’s not fake – I do laugh at all their jokes and stories. I drove the riding mower last night to take a tour of the property – extra fun because I didn’t have to mow! I guess Austin is all about mowing and does it without prompting – may that continue for as long as they have grass!

It’s a gorgeous morning and I’m sitting in the master bedroom (the royal treatment, I tell ya!) looking out over the lush green hills, listening to birdsong and feeling a cool morning breeze – so lovely! Today we’ll go into Rochester to have lunch with Mark and learn the secrets of his employer, Kodak, where he does research on photo-telemetry-polarized-light-refraction-quarkness (now that I’ve explained that in public I’ll probably be shot…or you will) Don’t try and understand what I just explained, or worry your little minds – it’s only for physicists and their sisters on steroids. Tomorrow I think we’ll go to Lake Canandaigua which is about five minutes away; swimming, a picnic, relaxing, reading, napping. Rough stuff.

Then on to my sister Shauna’s place outside Albany. Can’t wait!!

Categories: Uncategorized.

I Feel Good! neh neh neh neh neh neh neh…I knew that I would! neh neh neh neh neh neh neh

0

July 10, 2010

Hi all,

Not feeling particularly clever or philosophical this morning so it’s “just the facts, ma’am.”

Decided to leave that first line in – you guys know me – is it EVER “just the facts”? Maybe it was coffee kicking in or just getting the juices flowing, but I always end up loving this creative process. It’s like my girlfriend Jules would say when she was training for her first 1/2 marathon. The biggest hurdle can be tying your shoes and stepping out that door.

The chemo week went REALLY well. Five days of driving up to Columbus for I.V. treatment at the James Chemo unit with an amazing team of health care providers – they really do go above and beyond the call of duty. Their passion and tender care of every patient seems to be never-ending! It usually took about 2 – 4 hours from beginning to end; not bad! Some folks are there for 8 – 12 hours!!

My main side effect was sleepiness (and even a little buzz:~) from all the pre-meds they gave me before the infusion – I can handle that! So now I’m on to my two weeks “off” and praying there will be no sticks in the spokes this time. (Last time – seizures and a hospital stay…)

Ohio summer – I mostly love it/sometimes hate it, depending on the humidity. But our yard is again a magical place of peace and beauty (a little philosophy kickin in here…) I love to bring bouquets into the house for every room. I’m a little shaky in the photography dept. but you get the idea.

As far as my day-to-day function, I always have to use the cane, and the leg brace whenever there’s a distance to go, and Brett puts me in the wheelchair if we want to get there today. I’m still doing physical therapy and with hard work hope to keep and even regain function.

Can I tell you all for the bazillionth time that I am crazy about my husband, and that he has loved me more, supported me stronger, been more gentle and tender than I could have ever imagined? He has had the wisdom to know when to make me laugh, when to be serious and when to say hard things he needed to say. He protects me from “overwhelm” and recognizes it way before I do, but he also knows when to push me to get out and around others if I’m getting in a little funk. He’ll even call in the “girlfriend troops” when he knows they’re needed.

Isn’t it wonderful to have someone know you that intimately? I pray that intimacy for all the marriages represented by people reading this. Wait! Not just marriages! May you have a relationship with another where you feel known, safe, loved, accepted and cherished!!

I know I would not survive this journey in peace and joy without my bedrock relationship with God and Jesus and the Spirit…but the longing for that tangible, touchable connection is in our DNA – we need each other here on earth! Brett – my “Jesus with Jeans on.”

Boy – I should double strike that first line out, eh?

Categories: Family, My Health Status.

Tags: , ,

Green light to continue clinical trial

0

July 1, 2010

Hi all,

Just a quick update to say our appointment with our oncologist today showed all blood work in the normal ranges, so I’ll start back in the clinical trial on Monday! Fast work from a great team at the James, and prayers, prayers, prayers!!

Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend! This holiday isn’t one that Brett or I get all excited about; we usually keep it low-key and relaxing. I’m really happy with the way this weekend is rolling out – my “baby” brother Brien is coming over from DC, and Rachel may make it over from Pittsburgh, and the Navin clan will probably BBQ. That’s all I need – a little family and maybe a BBQ or two.

I am trying to convince Brett that going to the drive-in this weekend to see Toy Story 3 is a great idea…but if we do, we’ll have to take our dog along. Otto (the big fat lazy orange dog) doesn’t like to be left alone during fireworks – last time we did that he chewed the back door. Not good.

So that’s the news from Ohio, where the weather has been high 70′s with low humidity – perfect and rare Midwestern days. Cherished!!

Categories: Family, My Health Status.

Out of OSU, on the mend…

23

June 28, 2010

Phew! Board meetings – used to go to a LOT of them. Don’t miss them a BIT! Now I have different board meetings – with my keyboard and my ironing board. It’s taken me a while to get back to the keyboard this time.

After a three-day stay in the hospital, we got home from the James last Wednesday. Each day home was a little better – I’m going to my physical therapy today I feel that good – YAY! I was on the couch, zombie-like only four days ago. Talk about perspective… I was telling Brett how good it felt this morning to iron three of his shirts. OK, I know that’s just absolutely too weird for some of you, but ironing has always been a domestic task I love. A combination of memories of my Gramma and the coke bottle filled with water with the little holes poked in the top of the bottle to sprinkle on the shirts and get them damp, the smell of warm cotton, the immediate gratification of a crisply pressed shirt that for me is almost a kind of mediation. Don’t let me find your ironing on my doorstep! Like I said, I ironed three shirts and it took almost an hour and then I needed a rest period. That’s where the perspective comes in – used to do a huge basket of clothes WHILE doing two other tasks and never miss a beat.

So this is what I’ve learned (so far!) from this  latest incident. I have this seizure that sends me to the Emergency room, where they discover neutropenic pneumonia, because of my low white blood cells from the chemo. I’m admitted because of the pneumonia; the seizures are getting under control. Here’s where I see my “God-incidence.” IF my leg hadn’t spazzed out, the pneumonia really could have taken hold (I had absolutely no symptoms of pneumonia) and could very possibly have disqualified me from the clinical trial we just started and have great hopes for. Even if it wasn’t this treatment, the complications of pneumonia and cancer – yuck!

There’s always a choice – to trust that I’m in His loving care, no matter what, or the choice to freak out. I think I’ll save the freaking out for… well, for private. We  know the psalmist had some pretty good freak-outs and you’ll probably see me blog about that sometime in the future. He just gave me the gift of this perspective for the latest in this saga.

We’ll find out for sure on Thursday if I’m still in the clinical trial – if so, chemo week starts with a BANG on July 5th.

Love is what I have for all of you.

Categories: Uncategorized.

Weird twist

20

June 22, 2010

This will be another quick message, with the hopes of a longer post SOON. I was in church Sunday and started having a seizure. So far, mine have been mild, manageable and short, all on my left side. You could walk by me and I’d say hi and you probably wouldn’t know I was having one.

Well, Sunday it wouldn’t stop. Not in an hour, not overnight with the meds our doctor suggested, but they weren’t going up in intensity – just steady. In the morning our d0c told us to go to the emergency room so we headed up to the James at OSU. I was admitted due to the seizures, secondary to pneumonia! Who knew? No symptoms to speak of but it might have been what kicked off my seizure marathon.

So I’m getting mega antibiotics and other stuff to up all my low blood numbers in the hopes of staying in my clinical trial.

My daily Bible reading passage today was

Psalm 121:7-8

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Yep – Amen and Amen to that!

So just watch for the next post. Visitors not a great idea while my immune system is getting juiced up and according to the experts (my nurses, doctors, physical therapists, and most importantly my HUSBAND) I’m supposed to GET LOTS OF REST!!!

So that means I’m signing off in less that 250 words.

Blessings. Love. REST.

Categories: Uncategorized.

Smooth Start to Clinical Trial

9

June 7, 2010

Hello all,

This will be very short, because although I’m not having ANY nausea or other yucky side effects after my first day, the pre-meds they give you to calm nausea or any allergic reactions make you really, really, really sleepy. Sleepy is one of the dwarfs. Barfy is not – he’s a comic strip dog and I don’t want to be Barfy! You could also call me  Dopey – just ask Brett what questions he’s asked me today.

That’s all today – hoping and praying the week will continue on a positive note!

Love and the Blessing of God on all you beautiful people who love and care for us.

Pat

Categories: Uncategorized.

Page 1 of 41234»